Saturday, September 6, 2008

"A mother who is really a mother is never free."

(quote is by Honore de Balzac)

Parenting is definitely becoming the toughest job ever. I have been feeling guilty because I don't feel things the way people say you are supposed to feel. Raina goes into daycare beginning September 15th (coincidently on my birthday). People keep saying things like, "Isn't it going to be hard?" or "Geez, aren't you going to miss her?" (Or even worse, I hear things like, "Well I didn't go back to work for a year! How come you're going back to work?" Well, moron, I have neither the finances nor the sanity to stay at home, by myself, for a year! Geez!) 

I've been home alone a lot with the baby as Steve is back at work. I have about 3 more weeks to go and I am thinking about how hard it is. I go through the list of women I've known who've had children. Every single one of them has has help - mainly from their mother. (I don't have this option.) Anyway, I have been feeling incredibly guilty because I am looking forward to going back to work and having Raina in daycare. The thing is... the daycare seems like a REALLY nice place and the staff are so wonderful. And, the daycare is on campus! I guess I just need someone to say, "Don't worry, it's okay to not feel guilty." (Steve has said this numerous times, of course. But I guess I need someone else to say it too.)

It is sad that I found reassuring words on the Internet! Anyway, I have to just let go of some things I think. (Such as the fact that I feel bad every time I have Raina sitting there, alert and awake, and I am not constantly interacting with her or reading to her. I want her to be smart and be able to be a good reader, yada yada... I guess it's bad that I'm a teacher.) 

Okay, so I ramble on here. But writing this is making me feel better. I found the above quote on-line. Every time I read it, I think I understand more.

On a lighter note, Steve and I both went mountain biking. I had a great ride! We did our idea of taking turns while the other watched the baby. At one point in the evening, I was like, "Hey, how did it get so late?" To which Steve replied, "Well, mountain biking took us twice as long as usual." Oh, yeah, "a mother is never free." --Pam

2 comments:

Laura said...

YAY BIKING!!!

And don't feel guilty. Plenty of time for that later.

Javajem said...

It's totally ok not to feel guilty! It's good even! I feel bad for the people who do feel guilty. Your kid will be better adjusted and social too :)

Enjoy going back to work - you deserve it!